How to Communicate with Anyone about Anything

I’ll never forget the first time I went to a therapy session with a loved one. When the session began, I expressed why I had asked this person to accompany me and what I hoped to accomplish. I was calm, clear, and gearing up for the flood of understanding and compassion that was about to come my way. 

Needless to say, this didn’t happen. Instead, I watched as their face quickly revealed a preview of the fury they were about to unleash. “WAIT,” said my therapist. “Before you respond, can you tell me what you just heard Melissa say?”

I then listened in total disbelief as they recounted something ENTIRELY different than what I had expressed. It was like witnessing the final round of a game of telephone, but the message had been mangled in the record time it took to go from my mouth to their ears. 

I understood then why so many of us struggle to communicate effectively and find common ground. Every time we receive a message from someone, that message is filtered by our experiences, emotions, beliefs, and a slew of other factors before we even begin to process it. We see the world, not as it is, but as we are. It’s no wonder that communication difficulties are the leading cause of strife at home and at work.

As a Communications Director, I’ve read many books on effective communication, but my favorite is a book by Marshall Rosenberg called Nonviolent Communication. “Violent communication” refers to communicating in ways that result in hurt or harm, such as judging others, blaming, bullying, finger-pointing, being defensive or judging who is good or bad or what is right or wrong. Some of these behaviors are so instinctual and commonplace that most of us don’t even realize we’re doing them.

The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model invites us to first hear what another person is saying by calmly communicating what we think we are hearing and asking the other person if we are understanding them correctly. Sometimes we must go back and forth more than once before we wind up on the same page and that’s perfectly fine. Otherwise, we run the risk of having two entirely different conversations and no resolution. 

Once we have gained that understanding, the NVC process encourages us to:

1.     Communicate the concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being (state the facts without judging the other person)

2.     Communicate how we feel in relation to what we observe (Identify a raw feeling, not a story that you may be attaching to the feeling) 

3.     Communicate the needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings

4.     Communicate the concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives 

Example: Upon learning that you’ve been passed up for another promotion, you might say: 

 (1) “When I’m passed over for promotions, (2) I feel disappointed (3)) because I continuously exceed my goals and have expressed my interest in taking on a larger role in the company. (4) Would you be willing to meet with me twice a year outside of review time to check in, and discuss how I might better position myself for a future promotion?”

This kind of communication takes practice because we are constantly confusing feelings with thoughts. For example, when we start a sentence with “I feel THAT…..” what we are really saying is “I think that…” because a feeling is a raw emotion, devoid of any judgment or opinion. We also want to steer clear of words that are an interpretation of how others may view us such as “I feel unimportant or unappreciated” because there is an implication as to what someone else thinks, and it’s best to stay out of assumptions and judgment. 

Conversely, when someone else is communicating with us, we always want to listen for their observations, feelings, needs and requests. Healthy communication is challenging for everyone, and sometimes our emotions can get the best of us. So, imagine someone approaches you in a heated state and you immediately feel attacked. How do you respond? If you’re practicing NVC (and you’ve reached jedi status), you want to respond NOT to what they are saying, but to what they are NEEDING. What’s underneath their frustration? Since you don’t know that for sure, start by asking. A good response might be “Are you upset because you need ________?” 

The Nonviolent Communication model helps us take responsibility for our feelings, identify our needs, and make requests in clear positive ways that express what we really want. Not everyone will be able to satisfy every request we make, but the object of Nonviolent Communication is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs. 

The day I left that therapy office, I walked away with the knowledge that our interpretations of the same experiences are often completely different, and if we really want to find common ground, we must give each other the space and respect to express our feelings and needs, and then seek to understand them. 

If you’d like to learn more about how you can start communicating with clarity and confidence in all your relationships, reach out and schedule a free consultation.