How to Make Peace with Conflict
No matter how much we love our jobs, there are going to be moments that rattle us. Whether it’s a critical comment from a manager, or a disagreement with a colleague, when we spend our days interacting with other human beings, some degree of conflict is inevitable.
Depending on our personalities and life experiences, we may or may not be comfortable with a certain amount of discord. But I’d argue that in work and in life, we’ll find a lot more ease and success when we learn how to coexist peacefully with conflict.
If that sounds like a tall order, I’d encourage you to start by asking yourself how you define conflict.
More often than not, what many of us view as conflict is just a disagreement, or a difference of opinion. In the Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni stresses the importance of distinguishing between productive, ideological conflict - which is limited to concepts and ideas - from destructive fighting and interpersonal conflicts. When communicated constructively and respectfully, productive conflict can drive critical thinking, provoke honest, meaningful conversations, and forge a path to common ground and inspired solutions.
Unfortunately, I’ve often heard people describe the nonprofit sector as being conflict avoidant. They say that this is because people in nonprofits want everyone to get along so that they can focus on the mission, but I don’t believe that’s the reason. I believe that nonprofits are conflict avoidant because many of the people who gravitate toward nonprofit work are sensitive, caretaking individuals who come from backgrounds where it wasn’t always safe or comfortable to express a difference of opinion. And if you spent the formative years of your life equating disagreements with confrontation and chaos, it can be very hard to view even a hint of disharmony in any other light. But It’s imperative that we try – because healthy debate is essential, both for our own growth and success, and for the success of the organizations and missions we care so deeply about. When we are desperate to avoid conflict at any cost, we enable bad behaviors, fail to innovate, breed cultures of resentment, and ultimately contribute to a dysfunctional workplace.
So here are some tips on how to shift your relationship with conflict:
· Rebrand it! Seriously, when your mind starts setting off the conflict! alarms, think “this is just a healthy discussion, and an opportunity to generate new ideas and chart a path forward.”
· Choose your words wisely. If this is a new skill for you, practice it. For example, before you disagree with someone, try saying something like “I see your point, but I wonder if we’d be more effective if…” Or “I hear what you’re saying but I see it a bit differently, and here’s why…” Remember that your delivery is just as important as your message.
· Get curious about your discomfort with conflict. What is the resistance or fear there? How long has it been with you? Can you remember when you first felt it? It’s likely a very old experience from the past that has been informing your present-day beliefs and behaviors. Remind yourself that you’re not that person anymore, you’re not dealing with the same people you were dealing with back then, and you have different tools and resources today.
When we don’t retreat from conflict --and instead, encourage and model healthy debate and discussion—we help to create cultures of trust, openness, inclusivity, and growth. If you sense that your discomfort with conflict is holding you back personally or professionally (and usually, it’s both), feel free to reach out.
